Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
