someone threw a dead crab at me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
