So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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