the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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