Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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