Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
