I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
