Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
