he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
