First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
