Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
