i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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