i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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