Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
