she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
