No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
