I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
