You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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