I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
