what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
