im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
