My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize