I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
