That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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