i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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