just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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