found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize