Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
