We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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