That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I die, sorry about rent.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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