Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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