Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
