I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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