I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
