Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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