No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
