I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
