I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
