no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
