Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
