This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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