He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
