Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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