After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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