when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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