Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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