I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
