i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
