What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
