How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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