Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
