Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This baby is an asshole
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
