Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
the liver wants what the liver wants
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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