Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
