My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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