No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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