an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
