i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
