today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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