Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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