I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
