I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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