forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
