i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize