That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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