The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
