you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am mentally ready for anal.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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