two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
we should paint friendship bongs
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