I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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