Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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