she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
