how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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